A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale .' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.'

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

**Two lessons here:**

**1. Men never learn.**

**2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbuck's, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

Urban dictionary

I submitted a new word to the Urban dictionary today:

blog·uette (blŏg-ět')

A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American  company
(Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri  River .  Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and  depressed, decided to
investigate the reason for the  crushing defeat.  A
management team made up of  senior management was formed to
investigate and  recommend appropriate action.

Their conclusion  was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and
1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people
steering and 2 people rowing.

Feeling a deeper  study was in order, American management
hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of
money for a second opinion.

They advised, of course, that too many people were steering
the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting
 to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing
 team's  management structure was totally reorganized
to 4 steering supervisors,  2 area steering superintendents
and 1 assistant superintendent steering  manager.

They  also implemented a new performance system that would
 give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to
work harder.  It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality
First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for
the rowers.  There was discussion of getting new paddles,
canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for
practices and bonuses.   The pension program was trimmed to
'equal the  competition' and some of the resultant
savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and
teamwork posters.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off one rower,
halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and
canceled all capital  investments for new equipment.  The
money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as
bonuses. 

The  next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower
was unable to even finish the race (having no  paddles,) so
he was laid off for unacceptable  performance.  All canoe
equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was
out-sourced to India .

Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about:  Ford has spent
the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the
US, claiming they can't make money paying American
wages.

TOYOTA  has spent the last thirty years building more than
a dozen plants inside the US .  The last  quarter's
results:

TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9
billion in losses.

Ford folks are still scratching their heads, and collecting
bonuses... 

  1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
  2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
  3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
  4. A dog's parents never visit.
  5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
  6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
  7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
  8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
  9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
  10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
  11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
  12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
  13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:
  14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.